Why do you love your friends? Your family? Your lover? Celebrities, idols? Why do you love the people in your life?
It could be their qualities, traits, how dependable they are, kindness, understanding, or how forgiving they are. Moreover, the way they make you feel, how they treat you, and their accomplishments, can influence your feelings about them. Alternatively, it could be what they do for you, or what they do for others. There could be plenty of reasons why you love this person. You could already have a list of reasons why you love this person the way you do— or the opposite. Perhaps you don’t have a clue why you love them so much or why you want them to stay in your life. Whichever categories you fit into, the former or the latter, everything in between, unbeknownst to you, will you have expectations. Small or big, you have a sort of expectation for that person, not just that person, but everyone around you.
Those expectations lead to perception. The truth is, there are going to be times when your perception is wrong, and the person you love so dearly turns out to be different from what you originally had in mind. There will always be disappointment that comes with it. When those loved ones don’t meet the expectations, often, they are seen in a different light. Unfortunately, in most cases, seen in a bad light, as they are no longer the “good” person they “once were.”
The curated image of them, how did it end up that way? Expectations often derive from early experiences, cultural backgrounds, media, etc. Every experience you’ve had, the environment around you, and the media you consume, all help you define what love is. What a good person should be, and how a bad person should be. If someone consistently consumes media about love being full of passion, they set an expectation in their head that the relationships they have will be full of passion. Renda Zhang who wrote, “The Mirror of Perception and Self-awareness in Romantic Relationships,” brings up the “rose-colored glasses” effect, how it idealizes someone you love. She also mentions how these expectations can lead to unrealistic demands and even emotional disappointment. When setting these expectations, even unknowingly, you can start placing them onto the ones you love, it can tire you out, by not receiving it, and tire out your loved one(s) by having to endlessly keep up with them.
This doesn’t always mean that expectations are inherently bad. You can be right about some expectations. It doesn’t mean you aren’t allowed to expect something from the person you love. The hardest thing about love is loving all of someone, the good and the bad. You can love someone without condoning something bad. Indeed, people often change and listen to the ones they love, so you can encourage them in the right direction. Expectations are a double-edged sword.
Source: “The Mirror of Perception: Expectation, Fantasies and Self-awareness in Romantic Relationships” by Renda Zhang
Note: Food for thought, not advice.